grace (or rhinestones)

grace

grace covers many things…
uncertainty, doubt, fear, exhaustion, insecurity, an empty tank, mistrust and the list goes on.

today, i realized that it was exactly five years ago that our life changed in less than five minutes with a shut of a door. it has been an amazing five years. a.ma.zing. God restored our lives fully and brought my kids and me to a much healthier and happier place.

it seems that crisis forces you to tap into that reserve of yourself which you had no idea existed. if you ever think that you can't, you are wrong.

you can.

worry less

this year, i decided to write down prayers and put them in a vintage tin. it actually helped me to focus by taking the time to write them down.

earlier, i went through the tin on a break of organizing the studio. every one of the prayers had been answered over the course of this year and it was nice to have tangible evidence of that. some of the prayers were thank yous and some were of things that were heavy on my heart this year, like my best friend's sister's brave fight with cancer.

what i wasn't aware of was that my daughter had written her own prayers down too and put them in there. i got to the one shown above and almost lost it. not only did she feel a need for her mother to worry less, but her little (actually, big) prayer was answered. how amazing is that? worry that is so big that it worries your daughter is no bueno.

this year was an amazing year of discovery and discard. oh, and answered prayers. my goals for 2012 is for fuller creativity, handwritten letters and more purposed living. more prayers and thank yous will go into the tin and i look forward to a year from now reading how each of them was answered.

happy new year.

thankYouJesused all the way home

unless you have known drought, you can't possibly know the joy of rain. rain has no bad side. you can shoot it from behind, from the left, the right. it just smiles and tells you to knock yourself out.

it had been forecast, but we live in a state that rottweiler puppies fall into cracks in dry backyards. a state of serious raindoubt. after i got off work, we had to do errands and the clouds came marching in. when college kids in HEB are smiling because of rain, you know you are in serious need of it.

if the little piggy that went to the market lived in texas and successfully maneuvered the cracks in his own backyard, he probably would have thankYouJesused all the way home, like we did. weeweeweeing simply doesn't cut it.

for tracey, 1970-2011

tracey's seven-year old daughter says that her mother is now at the river jordan.

a fresh blade

yesterday, i was walking past my phone niche with an x-acto blade in my hand and i had to stop and give it a little vintage paper love. i had already been using it as a stop-by for little prayers and thought to make it a true focal point. adding a vintage tin for holding written prayers seemed like a perfect companion to a phone with a direct line to 1-800-YO-JESUS.



this phone niche was one of those features of this sweet old house that i fell in love with when i first walked through it. the time invested in hand carving decoration into wood for small details like this makes me appreciate those yesteryears.

as it turned out, it had originally been on the other side of this wall in the original common hallway that gave access to a renter who would rent the front room with its own separate front door. the renter would have phone and bathroom privileges back in the day.

the niche before::

for shawn

the ice altar

every morning, i stand in front of my fridge and pray for my kids. if the neighbors could see, surely they would think i was kooky. okay, kookier. i pray for each of them and thank God everyday for them. the prayers sound like "keep them away from bad girls. keep her away from bad boys.", "wear your helmet.", "remember who you are and that God loves you.", "be safe.", "love yourself.", "take your vitamins." and so on.

after the garage sale two weeks ago, i knew something would go out since i had a fistful of money. well, on sunday, it was the fridge. when i bought this house, the fridge stayed and it worked well enough. no ice and ice cream didn't stay rockhard, but there were other things that needed fixing. sunday, it went completely out. garage sale money in hand, we went to lowe's and had an energy star one delivered on tuesday.

this one has an ice machine. *squee*
so, now when i pray, it answers back.

love rain

one of the beautiful things about this month of ordering has been the jewels that i have found when i did not know they were lost. when i was preparing the laundrette (formerly known as the green room) for painting, i had to take down the shelving which meant that i had to put everything elsewhere. so, the ordered kitchen had to become unordered again.

anyhooo, there was a clump of my children's special papers and a box of photos on it and i had a chance to go through them all over again. this was from one of sage's writing journals from gradeschool. and, guess what? it is raining.

rain is one of those things that we celebrate around here and a reason to call each other and say 'hey, it is raining and i thought of you.' when the three kids were little, we would bake and make pots of tea and just marvel at the rain. boothe called yesterday because it was raining. seriously, this little family could make seattle proud.

when i revisited sage's sweet handwriting, it really opened up floodgates of mother emotion. i long for those days that i was at the helm of his safety and good choices. he is now at a place where i can't do anything, but love him...and that is a terribly hard place to be.

so, if you are of the praying sort, please pray for my son sage, the path of good choices, living life to his fullest potential and using the talents that God gave him. if you are not of the praying kind, please light a candle for him and whisper the aformentioned things.

the power of prayer and candlewhispering is undeniable and i would appreciate it.

nine tenths

this is the third fortune that has found me this year.

we were walking home from the grocery store on a milkrun yesterday and my eye caught this at the curb in front of the church. sometimes, Life can make you catch your breath.

this was just a little reminder to me to give a little shoutout to the most awesome students and ever-encouraging professors & colleagues. how apropos for the closing of another great semester. i already miss the students and look forward to meeting my new ones in june.

haight ashbury

well, the new garden beds are filled. i needed every wheelbarrow of that 10 yards of soil and had the third (and last!) twelve yards of rock delivered last night. so, i am in my garden clothes waiting for morning light to start shoveling. my goal was to get all of the rock spread by sunday night, but that might not happen and i am already over it.

the haight ashbury hibiscus is one of my favorites in the front bed and i think i need more for the back garden. the foliage is the stunner in its bloodred garb.

family was in and out this week. i finally pinned the feeling down that i live with in this sweet little bungalow two mornings ago. i feel as if i live in my eternal summer home, not that i ever had a summer home, but that novelfeeling is ours each day. Someone called our number and we won bingo...

and a shovel.

chrysalis

thankfully, the emergence from the chrysalis is so gradual. there had been days and sometimes years that she had to look to me for the right word or emotion to pull out of the bag. sometimes it was quite overwhelming for her. it is just plain hard to be a little girl.

the sweet emotion in those heavy little shoulders in this photo and the bravery to bury her head when she was overwhelmed still brings a tear to my eye.



when she found her beams, i was so grateful to ride the draft of them. as a mother, there is nothing more gratifying to hold your daughter who has found her own voice, her own feelings and her own thoughts. she can choose her own path and has planned her next four years in high school. *sigh*

butterfly, you make me so proud.

spirit in a pimpcoat

one of the things that i have picked up again is my love of the target. we have to keep our eye on the prize and sharpen your aim. there is something so wonderful about the practice of it all. the prize of the target is to live life with the least amount of regrets, i think.

there are situations and people in life with the sole purpose of breaking your spirit. yet, the most wonderful fact is that you have to allow it to be done. there are just some things that no one can take from you. no one has the power to break your stride, except for yourself.

maybe, the rules get a little trickier. okay, promises will continue to be broken and enforced rules will get cherrypicked as to which ones will be followed. yet, spirit stays resilient and Someone always has your back. you have to claim that for yourself.

big news around here is that my studio is almost done. when we moved in, it was the dumping ground so the rest of the house could have a semblance of order as we started school. my goal is to have it done by tuesday and honey, i am on a roll. when i finish, i will share before & after shots. this has been a monkey on my back around here.

go forth and hug your resilient spirit.
oh, and don't forget to don your pimpcoat.

tinseled year

the new year was brought in with fire, friends and rounds of trouble, not the ooh-you-are-gonna-be-in-so-much-trouble, but in the miltonbradley sort. i don't think that i have stayed up until 6 am in years and that was the first for the womanchild, too.

this year, i can't bring myself to make any resolution, except for one. okay, two. i want to maintain my 4.0 for this next year, too.

a year ago, i had no idea that i was to apply for graduate school, contemplate picking up and moving, actually doing just that, rehoming us and digging deep again. do we really want to know what is ahead of us? maybe, being fed slivers of an apple from a knife is easier to digest than the whole shinysweet apple at once.

the weather is insanely wonderful today. we have already done the vet appointment for dmitri, cleaned the chicken coop, washed and folded clothes (hot out of the dryer which is a first in maybe a year!) and thinking about taking the tree down.

this year is gonna be so bright that we will need shades or just more tinsel to throw on the glitterflame. happy new year!

bowl of starlights & wishes

prayers and wishes
for you to be here with me
i would feed you stars

orange you glad i said yes

my friend leesa kept chanting '08 is out the gate!'and '09, we will shine!' yesterday. ryan read the tibetan meaning and sorrow of a year gone and it really made me think about this year that is rapidly coming to a close.

08 was an incredible year of refining and redefining and i am leaning to the thinkage that 09 will pick up where 08 will leave off. the older i get, the more i truly believe in the intricacy of God's weaving skills. if i were to try to explain it, it is akin to sitting in the open and having a perfect orange drop into your lap. it gets to the point that you can't question it, but embrace it and run like hell with it. if you stop and think about it all, it truly is insane in the membrane.

ponder, ponder, ponder...and then i come home to a beast that fits in my pocket.

uncontainable

uncontainable---
while the dark tries to engage,
Light is defiant.

harvest year

when i was cleaning up the garden, these pumpkins really made me happy and grateful. this has been one of those harvest years that i get to compare where i was a year ago to where my toes are planted today. the changes and tweaks are quite evident. this year was a "just jump!" year. those words are ridiculously easy to say to your friends, but freaking hard to heed them yourself.

as this little house is still asleep and the chickens are fed, i am surrounded by a peace that only a quiet morning knows. quiet mornings tend to make me very reflective. this year has been one that contained the gift of being believed in, chances taken, new friends embraced, old friends (re)embraced, new paths journeyed, new gardens worked, goodbyes, letting go, hellos, freedom (which i am still getting used to owning), beloved children on their own paths, new traditions and things learned.

ooh, and add ---things unlearned, too.

lil flip

this semester, i have been a very bad blogger. it seems like i have left it in the corner and thrown chunks of bread at it whenever i was running past it and remembered to think about it.

today is final crit in my experimental book class. i still have to organize the pdfs for it, but it is a relief to have the work done since it has been the cute monkey on my back that handfed me bits of banana whenever it remembered. karma is a freaking bitch.

the semester is not over, but the pressure is, so i can breathe a bit and organize my life. as of last night, we can eat at the table again, but can't sleep on the bed. the table is a start, though.

the other night, i was asked about my religion. to come clean, i think i am more spiritual than religious. there are good prayers out there and then there is me. each morning when i walk up the hill or sit on a bale of hay with my chickens, i send little shoutouts to God with extreme thankfulness for how He weaves our lives and how when He shuts a door, but opens an even better window.

when i have the books on my back this morning and walk up the hill, i could bet bottles of ink that a shoutout will sound like "Dude, thank you for helping me finish these books and for the process of each of them and for this class and for my kickass instructors and for my friends who have my back." step, step, step. "oh, and Dude, You rawk!"

to lay down my armor

some may read this and still not acknowledge the hand of God on their shoulder or the safety of His seatbelt during their day, but something nothing short of a miracle happened yesterday.

i was able to forgive completely.

hurt and anger had been my bedfellows for months and my constant companions with their yardstick and measuring tape reminding me of the damage. if i had been a naysayer before, i would surely not be one today. maybe, my impatience won and i was tired of waiting, but i believe that God gave me a homecooked lil' bitchslap with the whisper of 'you will thank Me later, girl.'

there are things that we each can do well. um, make a mean soup or a heavenly pesto, or sew the perfect hem, but to lay down my armor? the armor was the very essence of me, but was slowly sinking me and that very essence. it was the hurtingest of hurt and it is gone. *poof* really, just like that, y'all.

last night, i realized that sometimes within the power of remembering is the power to forget and that to survive and to mend are sometimes two different things. i didn't want to just survive, but to mend, as well.

cuz seriously now, what good is a joyful girl with a broken soul?