Monday, August 06, 2007
unstolen identity and a few ifs
i am writing this while i have all three children tucked away in beds, deep in slumber and summer. it is especially nice to have my oldest home for a sleepover. sage is out there working & making it on his own and still will call and say 'hey, mom. i have a day off. do you want to chill?' God knows how that just stretches my heart around him even more.
i don't know if it is a girlthang or just a methang, but it has been a real process to unwrap myself around an identity this year, the identity as wife. i really never saw myself as not being his wife, ever. our identities as women are such huge parts of our psyches, aren't they? slowly, over the past five months, i have had to completely unwrap myself around this identity that i had embraced for exactly half of my life. twentyone years is a long time. this was huge and quite hard for me...but once it was done, i had to jump to the awakening identity as woman and single mom.
my identity as mother has been the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. i was given the opportunity to mother the way i had always wanted to mother if i ever was a mother. if is the operative word there. growing up as the eldest child, i never felt the need to get married or have children, probably due to the extra responsibilities that oldest children bear...and of course, i was the first of most of my friends to do both. (funny how that works.) in the back of my mind, i knew that if i ever was to be a mother that i wanted to be like meg's mom in my favorite book ever, a wrinkle in time. mrs. murry summed up the perfect mom for me, everavailable and everclever, and of course, everwithacupofcocoa. if i was ever to be a mother, i was gonna roll like her. though, sadly i don't cook on bunsen burners like she did.
a slow unpeeling process has been happening since march and now i am embracing it as a woman, mother, working artist, friend and sister. God, my children, writing, art and my friends have been such a salve for this open soulwound that is slowly scabbing over.
***don't forget to sign in on the 'armchair traveler' post if you haven't done so already. drawing is on saturday.***